Sunday, January 31, 2010

Odd Dreams

The last couple of nights I tried a different sleep med. It was a very restless sleep, waking up, rolling over & going back to sleep every hour. But evidently I *did* sleep some, because I had odd dreams both nights. One last night is worth sharing - and if anyone can analyze it - go for it!

I pulled out of the garage on the motorcycle my former husband & I had. This was the one that was way too tall for me, but in the dream it was no longer a Kawasaki, but a Harley FatBoy, sans helmet. I rode along a winding road to an old cafe. I took my tray thru a cafeteria line and got a grilled cheese sandwich & ordered fried okra, (which the lady brought out to me because it wasn't done yet). The bowl of okra was huge!

As I was finishing up, a very young, very handsome man came over & sat across from me explaining (with an accent) he had ordered a piece of chocolate pie and couldn't possibly eat it all; would I share? Well of course I would share .. it was after all Chocolate! He carefully cut the piece of pie & plopped my half on the greasy plate where my grilled cheese had been. As we were finishing and I was thanking him, he looked at me sheepishly and said he was so sorry but he didn't have any money to pay for his meal or the pie.

Not feeling the least bit of compassion, and highly annoyed that he had planned it from the beginning (overweight, middle-aged women are good targets, considering we're all supposed to be terribly lonely and vulnerable), I fished out $10 and paid for my sandwich & okra and with the change gave him $3 for my half of the pie. Turned around and walked out.

Back on the bike, this time *with* a helmet, I made a half circle to pull out of the parking lot and back onto the highway. As I turned, I caught a glimpse of two teen-aged girls giggling and pointing my way. End of dream.

Ok, I get the loss of youth and returning to my past. I get the humiliation factor. I get that the accent came from a recent Subway experience my son had. But what the heck was the grilled cheese & okra????

Tonight will be back to the old sleep med. It's $90 instead of $12 for the others ... but really - motorcycles & okra????

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Snowy-Day Thoughts

Divine Mother,

You have blanketed our land with cold, crisp snow
that stills the rush and silences the sounds.

Let us quiet our hearts and slow our minds to ponder
your peacefulness and renew our spirits.

You have blessed us with beauty and reach to calm us;
We thank you, our Mother, and accept your peace.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

It Is Well ...

This has been a much better week for me. Tensions at work have calmed. I had my job performance review today, and it was one of the best I've ever had. Much is forgiven. Now .. if I could just find a way to remember that when it really counts, people come through for me.

Several years ago I sang in a church choir, one of whose favorite songs was "It Is Well With My Soul"
(Horatio Spafford & Phillip Bliss).

I have a good life. I forget sometimes to be thankful for all that is good, focusing rather on the small things that seem wrong. I am reminded it is indeed well with my soul.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Do You Know How Beautiful You Are ? (For Heartsong)

My wonderful friend Heartsong usually posts 'Sunday Sounds' at No post for today.
So until you share your beautiful music with us, I am posting this
one in your honor.

Do you know how beautiful,
Do you know how beautiful,
Children do you know
How beautiful you really are?

Do you know how beautiful,
Do you know how beautiful,
If you only knew how beautiful
You really are
You really are beautiful.

Have you heard the legend of
The queen in sorrow's robes?
She found she was a statue
In an ancient sacred grove

And she could not find a meaning
Of the fires at her feet!
All the precious sacrifices
Burning sad and sweet
So she cried, and she cried,
And she cried.
She cried,


Do you know how beautiful
Do you know how beautiful
Children do you know how beautiful you really are?

Do you know how beautiful
Do you know how beautiful
If you only knew how beautiful you really are

Cities rose around her,
Rose to fall again.
But mostly she´s invisible,
Though every now and then,
You can hear her cry, hear her cry,
Hear her cry,


Do you know how beautiful
Do you know how beautiful
Children, do you know how beautiful you really are

Do you know how beautiful
Do you know how beautiful
Children do you know how beautiful you really are
If you only knew how beautiful you really are
You really are

Shield Me

It's a cool, rainy, Sunday afternoon. Wonderful time for a nap, although I'm resisting! Yesterday I felt like I had been run over by a truck; today is some better. Skipped most of the housecleaning routine this weekend in the hope of regaining some energy before Monday morning.

I suspect much of my fatigue stemmed from the physical exertion of my first full week back at work, along with the mental confusion at unexpected caustic remarks. While I had thought I was doing great by speeding up my treatments by taking higher doses, apparently some of my co-workers actually thought I was prolonging my absence. I am unsure if the resentment I felt was real or mistakenly perceived, but there was no question about the comments. I was stunned.

I had gone back to work excited, with a determination to better handle stress and politics. By the time I left Friday afternoon, I was discouraged and physically and emotionally drained. Positive thoughts were replaced with dark, negative energy.

If I want to continue to heal, to regain strength, I must find a way to dispel the dark and once again embrace the light. I'm not sure how to accomplish that. Perhaps I am overly-sensitive. Perhaps next week will be better.

Holy Father,
Shield me with your strength.
Divine Mother,
Surround me with your peace.
Help me have a forgiving heart.
Help me remain steady in the brightness of your light
And not succumb to the swirling darkness.

Monday, January 18, 2010


Today was first full day back at work. Went pretty well. Very tired this evening, but otherwise ok. Some things just don't change, but hopefully I'll be able to better manage how I react to them. I don't feel as positive as I did when I was living in my own little bubble, everyday stresses have a way of pressing you down, but I still have a better attitude than I did a year ago.

I'm exploring some opportunities to be more involved in my community instead of being so isolated. Small steps.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Not Bad ...

Not a bad 'first day back at work'. My office had been pretty much put back together, computer and phone returned, etc. Files still need to be moved back. Can't log in to anything, but should be re-approved by the end of the week. Spent most of my half-day getting things set back up the way I had them, visiting, etc. Glad this day is behind me.

Monday, January 11, 2010

'Twas the night before ...

Got the 'night before first day back at work' jitters! This week is only half-days, so I can gently get back into a work routine. Hoping I have a computer & an office!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Sunday Afternoon Project

Today's project was to label all the electronic connections on tv, cable box, etc., in the hopes I'll be able to get everything set back up correctly when I change out tv later. Labels are my only hope ! My sister & my son seem to easily understand what needs to go where, but I have no logical pattern in my head of which little thingie goes in which little hole. Maybe once I go through the process of reconnecting everything (properly labeled of course), it will make more sense.

About a month ago I did manage to change out the hard drive in my computer and get everything reinstalled and restored ... only because Deacon talked me through it.

Does that mean I'm a 'geek-in-training' ?

Friday, January 8, 2010

Catching Up

Wow .. a full month since my last post. Thought I was going to do better than that; but it's been a busy month ! Spent the last three weeks in Massachusetts with son. We had a wonnnnderful visit ! I got to be there for my birthday, Christmas, and New Years' ! Had good flights going up & coming home; dodged the snow & ice chasing me down the runways. Got back home late Wednesday evening .. now I'm playing catch-up with laundry, mail, etc.

Continuing to regain strength from last chemo back in November. I still tire quickly, but otherwise am doing great ! Will be returning to work for half-days next week, and then regular time the following week. I'm looking forward to getting back into a somewhat 'normal' routine, but at the same time am apprehensive about being back at work. Dreading hearing the alarm at 5:30 am !

Do they put massages on sale in January ??? I'm craving o