Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Still Clear!!

Labwork with the Oncologist today .. still clear !! Yayyyyyyy !!!!!
Trying to find some ways to counteract the Femara side-effects.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Things that make you say ... 'hhmmmm'

"As one of the saints of old has said, "Truth is never truth if it is on the side of oppression." To that I would add, Christianity is not of Christ if it is abusive to those whose lifestyles and views may differ from their own."

—The Rev. Dr. Douglass M. Bailey

Saturday, September 25, 2010

On This Day ...

On this day last year, I was spiraling down from chemo #4. I was half-way thru treatment, the last of the Adriamycin (the red devil). Four more Taxol treatments were to follow. I rejoiced in the good days, stopped fighting the bad days. Months before I had strapped on the harness and took a deep breath for the roller-coaster ride.

This morning I realized I actually have enough hair to dry with a blow-dryer. How cool is that??? Now that I've figured that out, I'm ready to go back to the gel (g).

Friday, September 24, 2010

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Today is Thursday ??

Well, I just realized today is Thursday, not Friday, and I posted my 'Friday Flashback' before leaving for work this morning. (scratching head) Does that mean I need to post again tomorrow?

And is it evvvvvver going to be less than 90 degrees??????? I so long for cool, crisp, fall mornings, for chilly nights with a blankie, for steamed-up windows and a pot of soup on the stove, for icy Massachusetts streets, for saying 'can we please turn the heat on just a tiny little bit?'.

Mother, may we please have winter soon????

Friday Flashback - 1977 - 'Deacon Blues'

Deacon Blues
Steely Dan

Especially for you Deacon.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Wandering

Over the last year I have shared finding a new path, a result of having much time to listen to my own thoughts. That's a treasure, you know, being able to take time to hear your own heart.

I recognized what a blessing that was, and felt much regret that I had 'wasted' so much time wandering with no clear direction. My closest friend once described it as being 'adrift'. That was exactly the way I felt .. adrift .. no course .. alone .. no guide.

In recent counseling, I mentioned just that. Expecting a sympathetic response of, 'yes it's a shame you wasted so much time', instead I heard .. 'perhaps it was necessary to clear your soul to bring you where you are now'. What? All those feelings of loss of faith, of loss of confidence in others, of pulling away from the beliefs I had known all my life .. necessary?

If I had not been adrift, would I have ever questioned the blatant lack of compassion of those called by God's name? If I had not been adrift, would I have ever opened my heart to something different? If I had not been adrift, would I have ever recognized a sacred feminine presence?

If I had a definite direction, a plotted course, would it have allowed me to learn more? Had I been content with the faith of my youth, would I have ever cried for a better way?

I have resolved to no longer refer to my 'wandering' as wasted time. It brought me to where I am now .. happier, more content, a stronger foundation of faith. No, it wasn't wasted. It taught me that my Holy Father cares for me even when I'm distant. It brought me to the recognition of our Divine Mother.

I have a sense of direction now, but it's not a map with no room for change in course. It has room for questions, room for change, room for growth. Someone else said it better ...

"I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
John Masefield - Sea Fever

Walk with Me

Holy Father, I asked you to walk with me,
And you beckoned me come walk beside you.

Blessed Mother, I asked you to surround me with peace,
And you drew me near to your bosom.

Holy Father, help me realize I must seek out your path.
Blessed Mother, help me understand your arms are my solace.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Looking Back - Moving Forward

Yesterday evening I was reviewing some of my older posts; back to the beginning when I started this blog. I had sent a link to a co-worker who has also been diagnosed with breast cancer (oddly enough she does the same job I do in a different location). Wow. That seems a lifetime ago.

I'm in the slow process of reconstruction. It's going well, and I'm hoping to have my last surgery near the end of this year. I have small 'boobie-bumps' where I was once concave. There will be some 'finishing touches' to do after the first of next year. I have regained much of my energy since finishing my chemo last fall. Scars have healed well. Still have some random pain where the lymph nodes were removed. Still have a lot of numbness under left arm (that will not go away). The Femara that helps keep the cancer from returning is taking its toll. I had 'trigger' thumbs on both hands which had to be corrected by surgery back in June .. one of the top-ten side-effects of the Femara. Have had gradually increasing joint pain .. fingers, elbows, hips, knees. For now I'm trying to counteract that with Aleve; will discuss with oncologist when I see him later this month.

I've been able to move past much of the breast cancer roller coaster ride, with the exception of the above reminders. They will be with me for a while yet. And that's ok .. I'll work through it.

Today I have a clean house, clean sheets, laundry in progress, the faint scent of lavender, a kitty to cuddle, and a movie to watch later. It's a wonderful day!!

Friday Flashback - 1968 - 'Crimson & Clover' (A day late .. again)

Crimson and Clover
Tommy James & The Shondells

Friday, September 10, 2010

Monday, September 6, 2010

Rain On Me

Blessed Mother, rain on me.
Warm, gentle rains of peace that soothe my soul.
Purging, cleansing rains that rid my heart of pain.
Clear, crystal rains of hope that inspire me to move forward.
Long, soaking rains of love that bind me to others so I am not alone.
Frigid, jagged rains of awareness that sting my complacency into action.
Nourishing, sustaining rains of life that make me rejoice in each day.
Blessed Mother, rain on me.

Friday, September 3, 2010