Surgery was Thursday morning; the time since has gone so much smoother than I had anticipated. Like so many things in life, our fears are often greater than the reality.
My wonderful surgeon, Dr Thomas Brock, removed both breasts and nine lymph nodes on the left side (one of which was cancerous). No cancer on the right, the left 'was' invasive rather than non-invasive, confirmation that the mastectomy rather than a lumpectomy was absolutely the right decision. I've had no second thoughts about having the right breast removed as a precaution. I feel confident and pro-active, and that's a good feeling.
Overall my pain has been low to moderate, with a few peaks but manageable. Mostly have been able to use less pain medication than I could have had. I'm having spurts of energy where I can do 'normal' activities for a couple of hours and then rest for a while. I'm not happy about not being able to take a shower for a week and a half, but I can manage, I'll be 'clean' . Son & sister are changing my bandage and rewrapping the Ace bandage. When I'm standing, arms stretched out while they are wrapping me, it feels like putting lights on a Christmas tree.
If you are following this blog because you want to keep up with how I'm doing, know that I'm doing great ! If you're here because you're looking for information like I was pre-surgery, I will be happy to give you more details or try to answer your questions; just leave me a note. Women who have been kind enough to share their experiences and offer tips/suggestions have made this so much easier (thank you Deborah). If I can pass that on to someone else, it will make me very happy.
In less than 48 hours, I'll have my mastectomy behind me. I'm finally having moments of 'the jitters'. Last night I fought nausea and it was a very long time before I went to sleep, even with a sleeping pill. Today I had spaces of time my mind just went completely blank. No panic though. I know everything will be fine; it's the 'process' of waiting for my turn in surgery, wondering how I'll feel when I wake up (both emotionally and physically), how much pain will I have, will I be able to sleep in a recliner when I have a hard time sleeping in my own bed.
Odd thing that a bilateral mastectomy is an outpatient procedure. I may be thankful for being home quickly though, in my own comfortable surroundings.
Today I am very thankful my son will be here tomorrow afternoon .. I am stronger when he is near. I am thankful for the kindness and caring of my sister. I am thankful for the strength of my mother. I am thankful for friends who truly do care, who take the time to say a sincere prayer, or light a candle, or chant a blessing.
I've had no inclination to pray for this to simply go away, only that I move through this season of my life with dignity. Father God, please guide my surgeon and caretakers, and grant me a swift recovery. Divine Mother, please grant me grace and a peaceful heart.
Spent last week with my son; was a wonderful visit ! He took me to see Carey Mansion in Newport, Rhode Island, where the exterior shots of 'Dark Shadows' were filmed back in the late 60's/early 70's. It was sooooo awesome to stand on the lawn of 'Collinwood' !! We also visited 'Old Sturbridge Village', a working 1800's village (very much like Cade's Cove here in Tennessee).
Today was a trip to a different vet in hopes of new ideas to help my kitty, Badajan. Nothing hopeful .. just keep him comfy, try an antibiotic, and maybe he'll stay with me thru my surgery recovery .. maybe.
For the last couple of months I've had this uncanny 'calm' that several people have remarked about. Apparently that 'calm' is disturbing; my son is waiting for a major meltdown. Perhaps I've managed that because surgery has been something 'out in the distance'. Now it's not so far away, just a few days. I feel like I'm running out of time.
I remember when I went into a cleaning frenzy just before my son was born 27 years ago, they called it the 'nesting syndrome'. I should have recognized the sign when I cleaned nearly every evening during the week and all day long on Saturday .. I started into labor on Sunday morning. That Friday was my last day at work for maternity leave; I was looking forward to two weeks of resting before my due date. He came two weeks early.
I've been in the same mood for the last few weeks .. trying to get everything cleaned and all my 'loose ends' caught up. I have more I'd really like to get done, but have run out of funds for anymore special projects. I've already started on my list of things I want to do while I'm off work 'recuperating'.
At the top of the list is to catch up on filing. The next item is to clean out the chest & dresser in my guest room. Those are things I'm hoping I can do without too much exertion or lifting. I've wanted to clean out the furniture in my guest room for a very long time so I'll have a separate place for guest linens, and if I actually have 'guests' they'll have somewhere to put their things. That would have been a good thing to have gotten done *before* my son comes down to help me post-surgery. Also on that list is to catch up on all the movies I've had recorded for months but haven't had time to watch. I'll have to figure out a way to transport the drawers into the living room so I can watch movies while I clean. And then I'll have to figure out a way to put all the stuff that gets tossed into the trash .. all without lifting .. hmmmm. There's stuff in those drawers that's older than my son .. there's gonna be a lot that's tossed!
But for tonight, the regular cleaning is done, wonderful fresh sheets on my bed, my house is smelling like lavender-vanilla .. life is good.
This has been a verrrry busy week ! Trying to get much done before vacation and surgery. Carpet has been cleaned, car has been waxed, kitty groomed, crickets who had taken up residence in my lawn-storage room exterminated .. no, I didn't do any of these things myself, but setting up appointments is exhausting ! Even worked in an impromptu dental appt for a crown. Hoping to do major housecleaning and some shopping this weekend. Other than being exceptionally busy, I'm doing well .. except for nearly having a coronary over the crickets.
I was hoping hospitals had a new policy about nail polish .. nope .. I'll have to have 'nekkid' toes during surgery. You would think they would leave you a tiny bit of dignity. I understand about making sure you're getting enough oxygen and all that, but really ... no polish on my toes ???? The wonderful lady who does my pedicures says as soon as I feel up to it, she'll come to my house & re-polish. Now that's a friend !
A new lesson learned .. when you are truly in need is when real friends shine ! Another new lesson learned .. it's not a 'weakness' to let them help.
Today my best buddy & I celebrated a new litter box. Yep, you read that right. Seemed like a 'splurge', but some things just need to be replaced on a regular basis. This one is fancy, with a larger clear swinging door that lets more light in and hopefully will seem less confining.
My kitty, Badajan, celebrated his 17th birthday this past Mothers' Day. He was born in this house, downstairs, under the ping-pong table (which is long-since gone). His mother, Gweneviere, was a previously outdoor kitty that someone dropped off at the animal shelter when she came home pregnant. Gwen was a beautiful black & white cat who stood at the door and cried to be outside. After having her litter of five kittens, she retired to a co-workers farm and was much happier. Three of the kitties moved to other homes, and two stayed here with us.
Michaelangelo was a classic short-haired tiger-striped tabby who followed after Deacon (my son), and wasn't especially affectionate with anyone else. He had a penchant for sitting behind you and playing in your hair. He suffered occasional seizures and died about five years ago.
Badajan is a medium-haired, black & white kitty who shows evidence of being part Maine Coon.
In his youth, he weighed about 13 pounds, but over the past few years has lost considerable weight. Once an amazingly beautiful cat, he has begun to show his age with little hip-bones protruding, and coat losing its lustre. He's still beautiful to me.
What's still incredible about this cat is his intense affection. He brings new meaning to the term 'lap cat'. Wherever I am, he wants to be close by, sitting or lying on top of me. At night he often sleeps fully stretched out the length of my back. It feels like he's trying to cover as much of me as possible to protect me. He likes to be cuddled and rocked. He likes when I sing to him. (His favorite is 'Jesus Loves Us'. He comes to bed when I say 'It's bedtime for kitty-cats and little girls !'.
Somewhere around six or eight months ago, he abruptly started insisting he lie across my chest. If I'm sitting, he walks up to my shoulder and drapes himself over my chest. If I'm lying down, he lies completely across my chest, just inches from my face. When I try to make him move, he protests loudly and comes right back. I have to wonder if he's known about my breast cancer long before I had any suspicions.
I also wonder how I'm going to deal with that when I get home from surgery. I've started luring him away from lying on top of me at night with a heating pad. He loves the heating pad. He cuddles with me for a few minutes, then heads for the warm spot. As annoying as it seemed at times though, I miss my bed-buddy. Maybe somehow he will understand that it's not ok to lie on top of Mommy when she has stitches.
I love this cat. He's my best friend. He loves me back. I know the time I have left with him may be short, and the thoughts of not having this incredible creature close to me are devastating. He has to stay with me at least during my recovery. He just has to.
Message this morning .. surgery has been rescheduled for Thursday, June 25th 5:00 am. Son will be home the day before & he'll be there a full week after I go home on Friday. Panic over. I called the nurse back and told her to please thank the surgeon for being willing to schedule early on his 'office' day. And then I sincerely apologized for my 'meltdown' with her yesterday. She says not to worry .. that's normal. Normal ???? It's normal ???? I explained that I simply didn't understand why all thru this experience I've been uncannily calm and then I lost it over a two-day change in surgery dates. She said it was good that I did that. Good that I was quite seriously thinking about canceling surgery altogether ? Hmmm .. I'll have to think about that one.
Someone remind me later .. I owe this kind lady flowers.
