The Wandering

Over the last year I have shared finding a new path, a result of having much time to listen to my own thoughts. That's a treasure, you know, being able to take time to hear your own heart.

I recognized what a blessing that was, and felt much regret that I had 'wasted' so much time wandering with no clear direction. My closest friend once described it as being 'adrift'. That was exactly the way I felt .. adrift .. no course .. alone .. no guide.

In recent counseling, I mentioned just that. Expecting a sympathetic response of, 'yes it's a shame you wasted so much time', instead I heard .. 'perhaps it was necessary to clear your soul to bring you where you are now'. What? All those feelings of loss of faith, of loss of confidence in others, of pulling away from the beliefs I had known all my life .. necessary?

If I had not been adrift, would I have ever questioned the blatant lack of compassion of those called by God's name? If I had not been adrift, would I have ever opened my heart to something different? If I had not been adrift, would I have ever recognized a sacred feminine presence?

If I had a definite direction, a plotted course, would it have allowed me to learn more? Had I been content with the faith of my youth, would I have ever cried for a better way?

I have resolved to no longer refer to my 'wandering' as wasted time. It brought me to where I am now .. happier, more content, a stronger foundation of faith. No, it wasn't wasted. It taught me that my Holy Father cares for me even when I'm distant. It brought me to the recognition of our Divine Mother.

I have a sense of direction now, but it's not a map with no room for change in course. It has room for questions, room for change, room for growth. Someone else said it better ...

"I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
..."
John Masefield - Sea Fever