#8 - All Done !

My last chemo treatment was this past Thursday; hopefully last Neulasta shot was on Friday. Even though I'm officially done, I still have the effects of this one to get through. The pain & fatigue kicked in today, and I expect tomorrow and Monday to be harder. Then .. then .. I'll start back on the upswing for the last time. Usually just about the time I start feeling better, it's time for the next treatment. This time that day will come and go and I will be able to continue upward, rising back up through the swirling waters to break the surface instead of being shoved under once again.

There was a point I stopped referring to my pre-surgery, pre-chemo life as my 'normal life'. The treatment schedule became my 'normal'. The roller-coaster ride is almost over, although there will be bloodwork & scans to follow. Now that I'm nearing the time to return to work, to go back to that former schedule and lifestyle, I'm as apprehensive as I am excited.

In the beginning I described breast cancer as a 'detour', expecting to return to the same road in my life after treatment was over. I'll never be back on that same road again. The road has changed. My life has changed. I'm looking forward to the new path.

More Youthful

Sorry to be so long in posting for those of you who are keeping up with me. I'm ok, just very tired.

Today was eventful .. I picked up my silicone breast forms .. they actually look pretty good. They're definitely more 'youthful' looking than I was naturally.

I won a 32" tv through a drawing at work ! I'm not quite sure I've ever won anything. Sweet !

Not quite as exuberant as I've been in months past .. the chemo is wearing me down both physically and emotionally. But ... I still think I'm doing great considering how it could be. Next week I will have my last treatment, then I can breathe a little deeper and begin to regain my strength.

As bizarre as it may sound, I am thankful for this journey. It has enriched me as a person, I have learned it's ok to let friends help, I have met some truly amazing people, and I am a stronger, happier woman than I was 6 months ago.

Holy Father, Divine Mother ...
I thank you for this season of my life.
I thank you for the people who have made it easier.
Please help me open my heart and my hands to give back.

Happy Birthday Autumn Heartsong !

Today is a most special day ! Today my wonderful friend Linda, and those blessed enough to know her, celebrate her birthday. She walks a path of kindness and nurturing, a path of honor and respect, a path of gratitude. (http://heartsongshymnal.blogspot.com/)

Be blessed my friend, this day, and those that follow.

She Walks in Beauty
by Lord Byron

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

Hope !

I slept about 6 hours last night somewhere between about 3:00 & 9:00. At 2:30 since I hadn't been to sleep yet, I got back up to tackle my next mid-night project & decided instead to try my sleep meds again. Took my Ambien CR, turned off the alarm & went back to bed. OMG .. it worked ! Maybe all the other things I'm trying are starting to help. Afraid to get my hopes up too much until I see what happens tonight. Did talk with the Dr office, and yes, the steroids I'm taking *do* have a longer residual effect than I had thought. She said it may take weeks after my last treatment to get it all out of my system, and that is likely what is over-riding my sleep meds. My options are to either ride it out or go to a stronger sleep med. For now I'm going to keep experimenting and see if I can get by. I've cut out all caffeine, stopped taking any meds that might be contributing (like replacing my Zyrtec with Benadryl), I yanked the memory-foam topper off my bed yesterday morning so I wouldn't get so hot. Will be interesting to see how it goes tonight.

It has been beau-ti-ful here the last couple of days ! Got some chores done this morning & went for a nice walk in the crunchy leaves this afternoon. I'm planning a relaxing evening, with a movie & maybe a nice long bubble bath. It's been forever since I turned my bath into a candlelit haven with wine and soft music. Ok, so I have to skip the wine for now .. maybe some grape juice.

At least my positive thoughts are returning .. yayyyyy ! I expect to feel well the next couple of days .. just in time to psych myself up for my next treatment on Thursday. Only two more !!!

Still Chasing Sleep

Going on 2-3 hours/night for about a week now. I'm exhausted but my house is clean. This morning I yanked the memory foam topper off the bed & took it back to WalMart. It's nice and soft & cushy, but it's like sleeping in an oven. My guess is covers were flung off/on about 80 times last night. Worked on dvd video issues a good part of the morning; Deacon solved it in about 5 minutes. Gggrrrrr. Tried out a fancy new mop .. left my floors all streaked .. it's going back too. To Hell with these newfangled contraptions, I'm going back to an old-fashioned sponge mop.

I'm tired, I'm irritable, head won't stop hurting, and I'm about to panic wondering how I can possibly go back to work when I can't sleep.

It's funny the things that push you over the edge.