Resurfacing

Beginning to feel human again today .. like resurfacing from a long way down. Yesterday I was starting to worry if I would recover in time for my next treatment. Napped a lot yesterday, but was able to stay up all day today. Overall I guess I did pretty well, but there were moments I had my doubts.

Lessons learned:

1) Take all the nausea meds & on time !

2) Don't use up energy unnecessarily

3) Don't make any appointments in the days after treatment

4) Plan on taking naps

Hoping after a good night's sleep I'll be back to 'normal' tomorrow. Counting on the 'the first treatment is the hardest' philosophy.

Rough Day but OK !

The chemo kicked in yesterday, very little energy, nauseated. Had a rough night but feeling some better today. Hoping if I get some sleep tonight I will feel much better tomorrow. Learning I reallllly need to conserve energy !

First Chemo

Results from heart test was ok, today's labwork was ok except just a little bit anemic (have to start taking prenatal vitamins). Was able to go ahead and do first chemo treatment. Seemed to take a very long time (we were there 5 hours with the labwork, seeing dr, and treatment), but it went very well. Had a headache/dizziness with the Cytoxan, but the nurse said to remind them next time & they would slow the drip down & that should help. The Adriamycin makes you pee red .. jeeeepers I'm glad they told me about that ! Feel a little 'buzzy-headed' but otherwise great !

I'm armed with an arsenal of anti-nausea meds & am eating bland foods (chicken noodle-doodle soup is my friend). Tomorrow I go back for the Neulasta shot.

Yayyyyyy .. the first treatment is over ! Now I know what to expect .. that will make it easier.

Thanks so much to all of your for your prayers & words of encouragement. And a very special thank you to Deborah .. http://ddlatt.blogspot.com/ for making my road so much easier by sharing hers before me.

One of the hardest weeks ...

This has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a very long time. Had my port put in on Tuesday, tomorrow is first chemo treatment, and today .. today .. I had to give up one of the best friends I've ever had.

I've posted before about my precious kitty, Badajan. Badajan had his 17th birthday in May of this year. He's had months of chronic diarrhea. Nothing the vets have tried has been successful for more than a few days. At one time he weighed 14 pounds. In November of last year he was down to 10 pounds, and this week down to 6. I talked with my son, the lady who takes care of him when I'm away, and the vet. I've wrestled with this decision for weeks, and struggled with it all day. About 4:00 this afternoon I took him and had him put down. This was such a difficult decision. Dr Jane assured me it was the right thing to do. She gave him a sedative, let me have a few minutes with him, then came back & gave him the final injection. I held my precious kitty in my arms, rocking & talking to him while he slipped away. My eyes never left his until the light in those beautiful eyes flickered out.

Badajan .. I love you. You're the most glorious kitty I've ever known. Thank you.

A Pain in the Neck ... or ... Have I Been Bitten ?

Today I had my port-o-cath put in & an echocardiogram to be sure my heart is strong enough to have the chemo treatments. Echo was interesting, not that I could tell a thing about it other than my heart was beating. It sounded like an old wringer washing machine. The port procedure went ok. I was expecting to be sorta loopy, but was wide awake, only numbed. So far the incision isn't painful at all, but the catheter that goes up through the large vein in my neck is extremely painful. Hurts much to turn my head at all, and especially getting up & down, etc. They tell me this should subside in several days, but may always be sensitive. I'm hoping it feels a lot better before my first treatment on Thursday. Back to pretend baths for a couple of days. I've really learned to appreciate showers.

Somehow it all seems very fitting since I'm reading books about vampires. I can manage the pain by closing my eyes and pretending I've been bitten .

Conversion

Ok, so I've had my few days of anxiety about chemo; days to adjust to the idea, days of reasoning, days of calming my fears. It will be ok. I'm trying very hard to just relax and not 'worry in advance' about side-effects that I may or may not experience. I'll expend my energy in preparing as best I can, and deal with issues as they arise.

I've even thought of a very positive way to view treatments .. it's my conversion to a vampire. Yaaaa ... you could say I'm influenced by the 'Twilight Saga' .

The Enchanted Forest

Somehow I feel like I'm walking through the Enchanted Forest in 'The Wizard of Oz'. It's dark and spooky and the trees keep slapping my hands. On the other side of the forest is the bright field of poppies with their sweet seduction, their sleep-inducing opium. Dorothy and her friends take a long detour on their way to see the Wizard and ultimately home.

My detour continues. My release date to go back to work after surgery would have been the end of this week. As much as I was dreading going back to work, at least it would have meant a return to my 'normal' life, my routine. There's something comforting in routine.

Instead of going back to work right away, I'll be preparing for chemo. I saw the Oncologist today and got an overview of treatments in the months ahead. He was a very nice man who reiterated that I am the one who is ultimately in control of the path I take. I want to be aggressive now rather than being regretful later, so I told him I want to go forward with chemo and I want to start quickly. Tomorrow I will attend a class that will give me more information and will get scheduled with the surgeon to put in my port (hopefully the first of next week). Next Thursday I have an appointment for labwork, EKG, etc. First treatment will likely be the following week (the week of August 17th).

I'll have to admit I'm a bit more apprehensive about chemo than I was about surgery. I'm sure I'm going to have some very challenging days, but along with those challenges I also have a wonderful support group.

Dorothy's friends guided her through the forest with their brain, their courage, and their heart. My doctors, friends, and family will do the same. I'll make it home too. And I suspect it will all feel like a dream.