The one thing in this adventure that I've had control over was still being able to take my vacation mid-June, and scheduling surgery the following week. I consulted with family to avoid scheduling on special days, coordinated with my supervisor, had forms filled out for my son's employer, he made flight reservations, coworkers changed vacations to accommodate my surgery date of Friday, June 26. All was set .. I felt good about it.
First thing this morning I got a call from the surgeon's office .. it seems he wants a long weekend and has decided he cannot do my surgery that Friday morning. He can do it the previous Wednesday, or the following Monday.
If I do it on Wednesday, I'll be going under general anesthesia just about the same time my son will be going down the runway .. he won't be here until almost 5 hours later. He's my strength. How can I roll off to surgery without him there to hold my hand, to hug me & tell me everything will be alright, to look in his beautiful blue eyes and tell him I love him more than anything or anyone I've loved in my lifetime. He might make it here in time to be there when I wake up.
If I wait til the following Monday, then the majority of his trip is over before I even have surgery. His main reason in coming is to assist me afterward. I would come home on Tuesday .. he would fly out on Friday.
So I asked two questions. 1) Is there any possibility he would do the surgery on Thursday morning before he goes into his office for regular appointments ? She will ask, but even if he is agreeable, he may not be able to schedule the OR .. it's not his regular day. 2) What if I just call the whole thing off ? She says she doesn't understand. I clarify .. what if I just cancel the whole damn thing and take my chances. She is speechless.
How do you go from feeling confident and positive about cancer and treatment to just saying 'forget the whole thing' in a matter of minutes ?
Damn surgeons .. damn OR schedules .. damn trying to coordinate work .. damn airlines that won't let you change flights .. damn cancer.
It just seems like way too much trouble and disruption of lives for one little girl. What if someone finally stood up to cancer and said (borrowed from 'Pretty Woman') "I say when, I say where !" ?
I'm sure by morning that cool, confident voice of reason that lives waaaayyyy back in my brain and rarely surfaces, will come screaming out and war with the voice that says, 'now close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say 'there's no place like home .. there's no place like home'.
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i can't count the number of times schedules were changed on me since my diagnosis. it's maddening. i'm still having to deal with it. i think as long as there are hospitals and doctors, there will always be crazy-making schedule changes. i speak up, am never shy about what i need or want when it comes to cancer treatment. i used to have hissies! after surgery, chemo, and now radiation, these kind of things don't worry me as much. but before surgery and chemo--these things made me nuts. it's a roller coaster!
ReplyDeleteMother of us all, what a great, honest post. That's all I can say.
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