The incredible advantage of rebuilding your life one piece at a time ...

The first words out of my mouth when I listened to the report that said 'probable malignancy' were .. 'I don't have time for this!'. The weeks that followed were a process of dismantling my life, letting go of everything that wasn't absolutely necessary. Thinking I couldn't possibly be away from work for more than a couple of weeks, I ended up being off for six months for surgery and chemo. I entered a comforting cocoon of focusing only on healing and very little else. Those closest to me seemed amazed that I was able to have such a positive outlook. It's easy to be positive when you're living in a protective bubble. No work stress, no worrying about housecleaning, no set schedule other than doctor's appointments and treatments. My every need anticipated and and met by my son, sister, and close friends. The whole world stood still while I took the breast cancer ride. Many days were my '2x2' routine .. up two hours, a two hour nap. If I felt well, maybe a walk, or sitting on the deck in the sunshine listening to the birds. If I didn't, I could dive into my bed anytime I wanted. One focus .. give my body and spirit all it needed to overcome cancer. It worked. The cancer is gone, I'm back to work, and rebuilding my life.

I learned a lot of things (maybe I should make a top-20 list of those things). At the top of the list was learning what was truly important in my life, and what could be eliminated. When you remove everything (and I mean literally *everything*) except nurturing your soul, you have the incredible advantage of rebuilding your life one piece at a time. I had long hours to sort through my own beliefs, my own faith; what I wanted for the rest of my life. It was time to come through on the other side with a new sense of the essence of my own soul, a new confidence in my strength, a new appreciation for the woman I am.

Off and on for the last few years I've battled depression, looking for a way out, feeling like I was all alone, abandoned by friends, sometimes family, and even God. I had gradually withdrawn from any emotional attachment. My life was primarily work, coming home to watch the old 60's soap opera, 'Dark Shadows', and cuddling with my beloved kitty, Badajan. I didn't realize how much I had isolated myself. Cancer taught me that I not only want to live, but I want to revel in life.

In January I went back to work. I danced down the hallway singing .. 'I'm back, I'm back!'. It was so good to know I still had a job, I still had my office; I could resume my life. Only now I had a choice to add back only those things I truly wanted. I gave much thought to my faith and started searching for a place I could express and nurture that faith in an atmosphere of loving, caring, unpretentious people .. a place where I actually fit in. I wasn't so sure that place existed (and that's a whole 'nother post .. 'Finding My Place').

Now I take workplace politics less seriously, I've recognized I'm not a heretic because I embrace a Sacred Feminine presence, I made peace with God after many years of feeling like He let me down. I take time to watch & listen to the birds. When friends invite me to join them for dinner, I say 'yes!'. If I want to spend all evening relaxing and watching a movie, I do it and don't feel guilty because my furniture's dusty. Now I make time for 'girlie weekends' with my sister and niece. I've worked diligently on making my home my sanctuary. I'm burning the pretty candles. I'm opening a bottle of wine just for me.

I feel like I'm in a shop choosing what I want in my life, in my future. I'll take one of those, no, I don't want that, oh yes .. I definitely want one of those,

Thank you Cancer for ripping all the 'stuff' out of my life. I'm rebuilding it my own way .. one piece at a time.